Looking in the Mirror…

mirrorIn life, some people find that one person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, some never find that. It is human nature to want a companion in life so you can share experiences with, both good and bad. How do you know if you’ve found that person? Do you deserve that kind of happiness in life? Once you find that person what do you do? These have been some of the many questions that I have thought on for years.

About 9 months ago now, I met someone who not only changed my life for the better but has supported me as I continue to grow emotionally. In one of my earlier posts, “You Control Your Journey,” I shared about some aspects of my childhood and what I went through physically and emotionally. All in all, it left me emotionally scarred, which I never realized the extent of the damage until I faced that damage head-on. Not knowing where to start I turned to counseling, now as a kid when I was going through my parents’ divorce, the affair and all that. My dad tried to get me to see a counselor, in fact, I probably saw 8 of them and every time I was in any of the sessions I refused to really get the help I needed… Come to find out years later, I needed A LOT of help! I saw a counselor for about 2-3 years and while I’ll admit in some areas it helped me grow and become more self-aware. Overall, I should have been doing more during that time instead of just relying on my counseling sessions. Since then I have really been trying to look deeper into myself, breaking down why I have certain thought patterns or tendencies.

What did I find? That a lot of these things are habits that I conditioned myself to say or do when certain situations arise. It is now at the point where I do or say things subconsciously without even knowing why. It has been extremely hard for me to reprogram myself and stop blindly following the programming that was input in so long ago. I am a different person now compared to who I was then and I need to update, delete and create new habits.

I have no idea where I would be now if I hadn’t met her, but even though she has been supportive and forgiving, have I been the same to her? It isn’t fair in a relationship for one person to feel supported while the other person doesn’t. Even though in my mind I feel like I have been supportive of her, I constantly question myself if I could do something different or a better. Since our relationship started, she has been someone I could openly share what I am going through at any given time and feel like she understands and listens to me. I know I haven’t been the same for her and it is painful to admit that fact. Like me, she too has been through a lot and even so she has maintained a sense of positivity and zest for life that has blown me away. While I might freak out or be anxious about something ‘minor’ she is able to console and listen to me, even though she may have some major things going on internally herself. We both share similar things and interests but are vastly different in others. I have found it to be remarkable to learn new things, concepts or experiences that I probably never would have done on my own. Some days I can be that person to her and others not so much. Why am I so inconsistent? Why does it feel somedays she would be better off without me? Is it because I am retarded? No… Is it because I am not self-aware? No… What is causing me to not be the man I want to be for her?

Even as I write this, I am pondering those questions, I want to be her support just as she is mine. There are so many areas I want to improve on and become better in. So much so, I think I overwhelm myself and reach the point where I am mentally exhausted from battling the current programming inside me. Throughout all of this, she has not only been supportive of me but also understanding.

I didn’t think I deserved any form of happiness for a long time especially with someone else. Every day I for years now I have been telling myself the complete opposite to reprogram that thought, which was truly how I felt for 10 years. Now, every day when I wake up, I relish the thought of being able to see her smile and hear her laugh. Through all the ups and downs, the very second, she smiles or laughs, all those negative, angry thoughts I have, just wash away.

I want her to know that I am so appreciative of her and everything our journey has currently led us to. I can’t wait to share and experience more things with her in life.

 

Challenge: If you have a significant other, take a second and think about ways he or she improves or hurts you as a person. Now, view it from their perspective and consider the same thing. I hope you can find ways you, yourself can improve on to strengthen your relationship. Treasure those people in your life and never take them for granted.

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