Honestly, I am not sure how to write this out, but feel the need to so here goes nothing. There are good days, bad days etc. that is LIFE and it will never change. The only thing that can change is how you roll with the good and deal with the bad. Honestly, I suck when it comes to these bad times and tend to wear some of my emotions on my sleeve… No, I am not pouty, crying or anything of that sort… cause lets be real… I am a man… and we don’t do that… HAH! Usually, the emotions that come out express themselves as me just being closed off, blank and empty. I am not sure if this is one of the ways I learned when I was younger to deal with them, but it is what happens.
I took yesterday off because I wanted to take my girlfriend on an “adventure,” and spend some quality time with her. Short Story: The complete opposite happened. Not only did I feel like I wasted her day, but she was drained emotionally, physically and in the end just wanted me to go away. Was I hurt? Yes. Was I sad? Probably. But the emotion that dominated me most… was my rage. I wasn’t mad at her, she didn’t do anything, in fact, the only thing she has been doing is putting up with me lately. I was mad at ME, myself.
Why? Well, a couple weekends ago, my girlfriend spontaneously decided to go on an adventure with her best friend and leave while Natalia and I were asleep. That was completely fine by me and Natalia and I had a blast hanging out together that day until they got back. While I didn’t care she went on one with her friend and she can honestly do whatever she wants. What hurt the most was the fact she possibly felt like she can’t do that with me and have fun. And me being ME I over analyzed and made it a WAY bigger deal than it was… I mean I know she loves me and I believe that 100% in my heart… Why the hell do I always seem to mess things up and or make situations worse… when all I want is to share my love with her. She has tried so hard to help me and allow me to grow in ways to make me a better person.
After yesterday’s events, she plainly told me she couldn’t do that anymore and that crushed me. What became already a bad day… became worse. I was on the verge of giving up. Defeated. Destroyed. Whatever you want to call it that’s the feelings that filled me after hearing those words. I had only one of two options now: Be defeated. Quit. OR FIGHT. I am not a quitter and especially will not quit for the things I love and care about in life. I will not lose her or Natalia. I need to grow. Improve. But most of all I need to LISTEN.
LISTEN to the things she is trying to tell me not for my sake… but for the sake of our relationship. You know… the thing I am supposedly fighting for but am going the complete wrong way about it.
I forgot what it meant to be spontaneous, to be someone she can just talk to about whatever and have fun. I have become someone that is so tied up in ensuring things are done and completed before FUN can be had.
I started to think back to when we first met. Romance in the air… Fun to be had… Laughs to be shared. I remember her eyes and how when she looked at me it was in admiration and love. The difference? She has changed yes, but MYSELF back then all I cared about was just having fun and being in the moment with her. Now instead I am dictated by bills, money, and everything BUT fun. Constantly worrying over things that don’t even need to be worried about. When I try to plan dates now, I am so worried about things being perfect (adventure) that it all just goes to hell. When we first met I didn’t care what it was I knew we would have fun. Whether it be board games and dinner or going to an arcade. We always made the most of our nights. I need to let go of trying to be in control and OCD about every aspect of things. I have no idea why I became so obsessed with irrelevant details… I mean who cares if the RoadRunner says MHEEP or Beep hahaha. I did because I swore it was Beep! Beep! and googled it just to prove myself right to her.
What is an adventure?
“An adventure is an exciting experience that is typically a bold, sometimes risky, undertaking. Adventures may be activities with some potential for physical danger.”
Adventures can be ANYTHING is my point. You have no idea about the outcomes etc. It is what makes them fun. An adventure isn’t what I had in store when I asked if she wanted to go on one. Thinking back, I truly in my heart wanted to go on one with her because she means the world to me. But I lost sight of what it truly meant to even go on one. I became so worried about what I miss between us that I tried WAY to hard and ruined it all. I didn’t even need to try hard… I simply just needed to make an adventure of whatever was going on then and there and spend time with the one that I love so much.
Boils down to this. There is no right or wrong way to go about having an adventure with the one you love. Especially if that person loves you just as much. Just go out, be silly and free and do whatever because all that matters are that you are doing it together.
Don’t lose sight of that ever. I’ll be honest. It’s gotten to the point where I thought the only things I could do to make her smile again was by getting her things. Guess what… NOPE! That is like putting a band-aid on a huge open wound. I know her. She loves the thought I put into everything I do and get her, but that’s not what she really needs. She needs me to be there in the moment ready with the proper tools to treat that open wound and not just give her a band-aid and ignore the situation, her feelings entirely.
Don’t try to fix things that aren’t broken. Our relationship is STRONG, but I keep trying to fix it and treat it like it’s a broken piece of wood. WHY? As before, I get obsessed with ensuring everything is perfect, ok and dealt with. Does that need to be done? Ha, you would think so, but nope. It doesn’t hurt to have things that aren’t perfect in your relationship because it allows you to both work on it together as a team.
I remember babe, not only what you have said recently, but who I am and the person I lost sight of. I will fight always for you both and will always have your back. I am your teammate and someone you can trust to get the job done. I love you.